I’ve been a bit nostalgic lately for New York and how the city and my 18 years there shaped me.  In many ways, the city gave me everything.  My faith, my wife, my friends, my artistic inspiration, my greatest struggles and my greatest joys.

I came across this letter I wrote to one of my landlords in the Village years ago.  He kicked my wife and I out of our apartment because, he claimed, a woman with child was moving in.  But, we all know he was raising the rent and didn’t want to renew the lease with us because he would have to give us a smaller rent increase.  I got a kick out of writing it and another one re-reading it.

Dear                                       ,

Thank you for your most recent letter rejecting our attempt to have you buy us out.  We understand.  I’m glad to have at least amazed you a bit.  I doubt you’re amazed often in your line of work.  I hope I amaze the audience during my play in August, which you’re invited to, by the way.  I’ll forward the dates and times once I know them.

Now to business.

Thank you for accommodating us by offering the option to vacate the apartment earlier than the lease term states.  This is most munificent of you.

This letter is to serve as our official notice that we will be moving out of your apartment, on or before August 1st.  Because we couldn’t find an apartment that would suit us and/or we couldn’t afford, we have decided to take residence in the woods of Alaska.

You are currently holding a security deposit of $2000.00 (plus accrued interest over the last 24 months).  We would like for you to apply this to July’s rent.  We trust you will find this agreeable.  We had every intention of paying July’s rent, but as you can imagine, we had to come up with funds to get us out of your apartment and into another, leaving us not only with no choice, but no money to apply towards rent for July.  Had we paid for July’s rent, we would not have been able to vacate our current apartment.  This would have caused an old-fashioned pickle. 

As mentioned in my last letter, we have thoroughly enjoyed our stay in apartment #1W these last two years.  We did everything in our control to take care of the apartment and create not just a temporary space in which to live, but an actual home.  My wife and I will miss it terribly.  We will also miss the prostitution and drug-use that occurs nightly underneath our window in the well of your apartment building.  It’s been a joy finding needles and condoms laying about from creatures that stir in the night.  That’s been one of the highlights of paying you rent these last few years.  You may want to look into this, particularly if a tenant, with child, is planning to move in.  This could greatly jeopardize the safety and cleanliness of their residency.  We’re just curious, by the way, is somebody with child really moving into apartment #1W, or are you taking advantage of the market and charging an arm and a leg for it? 

May we also ask a favor.  Would you kindly send us a letter of recommendation to bolster our chances of securing an apartment.  This would be most helpful in our paperwork and credentials.

Thank you.  We appreciate your accommodation, both in a physical apartment and for allowing us to vacate earlier than expected. 

Best wishes,

Michael Albanese

Michael currently loves his Los Angeles landlord.